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You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.
Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
Why don`t we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
You`re not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners...
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
I`m so broke right now if anybody robbed me they`d just be practicing
I don`t get why girls get so offended by sexist jokes..I think they are just ovary-acting. Seriously..