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If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
Good for you, people that do things.
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.
If you`re crazy and you know it shake your meds...
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.