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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
cofeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee... Wheeeeeeeeee!
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
Don`t mix Viagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
I won employee of the month!!!…. again! I love being self employed.
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.