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They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
What do you mean this posting of the BBQ ribs you made is not an invite?
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
I`m not feeling myself today..... Perhaps I should feel someone else.
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
I`m great at balloon animals. You should see my eel, snake, and worm.