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Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
Can you imagine the reactions 25 years ago if you showed someone a photo album of pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
Are you guys sure common sense can`t be beaten into people ? Because I`d like to give it try!
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
The only part I like about doing laundry is saying I`ve got a big load
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
I was blown away when I realised the word " OK " is a side ways person.
yes I have a dirty mind, and yes you are in it...
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
No. My hair magically got shorter.
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.