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Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
Childless people wondering what it`s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
I bet you 20 dollas I`m broke
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I`m confused about how many at night?
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. And the good news is, that`s pretty much everything.