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My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
If it`s true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
Sorry, I`m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.