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Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
Beer doesn’t have that many vitamins in it…that’s why you have to drink a lot.
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.