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Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.
Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Did you know: Your life expectancy decreases every time you ... PISS ME OFF
My wife`s credit cards were stolen last week. I haven`t reported it yet though...because so far, they are spending less than she was.
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.