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You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question
Falling in love when lonely is a lot like shopping when hungry, you end up with a bunch of sh!t you don`t need.
I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots