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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
Just because you think it`s a bad idea doesn`t mean we won`t have a good time.
If a bra is called an `over the shoulder bolder holder`, then what would you call men underwear? Under the butt nut hut
The part of "no" that I don´t understand is the part where I don´t get what I want
WEB MD should have a simple answer like “Calm down-you probably just ate too many cookies!”
I was struggling,trying to figure out how lightning works .....then it struck me!
"Mary had a little lamb. That`s had." - the wolf
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
This status has been censored by Facebook
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?