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If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Junk food would be a lot easier to avoid if it actually tasted like junk.
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
You tell me I`m crazy, the voices tell me I`m not. 4 against 1, so........
Facebook has suggested that I POKE you.
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
The guy that discovered milk.. What did you tell your friends were you doing to that cow? O_o
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.