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Worry: a waste of imagination.
I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
My kids refuses to play with the Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away."
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
It`s all shits and giggles till someone giggles and shits
You know you are meant to be when you high five after sex.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.