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We´re responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.
My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
How do amish girls know if its a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular candle lit dinner.
Do you ever just get a random burst of motivation to clean your house, write a novel, paint a masterpiece or read a book ... Yeah, me neither.
I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there`s that....
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
Today`s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How`s it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn’t hear you the first 100 times.