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If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
I`ve taken my kids all over the country, but their favorite place to be is still "in the way."
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.
If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke