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I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
Ever wanna tell someone to shut the f*ck up even when they are not speaking
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
Really don`t see the need for pants for the rest of this day. :)
Christmas time always make me blue :-(( and then red, then green, then oh wow.. presents...
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.