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A Lion would never cheat on his wife.. but a Tiger wood.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
I`m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You`re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what`s going on here.
The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” ... Well, swimming, I suppose.
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
Anyone that says I`m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.
I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people