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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
I´m not cheap, but I am on special this week
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
my mom and I have so much in common..she doesn`t listen and niether do I :p
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.