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I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
There should be an observation deck at Walmart.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
If I`m guilty of anything it`s loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.
They should`ve added "Might lose a lot of sleep" in Facebook`s terms & conditions before signing up.
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.