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Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
"..::. :.:.. ::...: .:. :.:: ::.: ..::. :: ::.:..." - Stevie Wonder-
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
I don`t get why people say "They were busting their ass"? Wasn`t it already cracked to begin with?
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.