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Monica & Chandler’s twins would be 9 this year, Pheobe’s triplets 14, Ben 18, and Emma 11. Let’s just take a moment to let that sink in.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn`t hear you the first 100 times.
Only in math problems you can buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Now that Microsoft`s Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
We`re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap...
I hope these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water because that’s how many times I need to flush.
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
To whoever said “fight fire with fire”: do you actually test your own advice before giving it?