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I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
I`m not saying you`re an idiot. I`m just saying that....Umm how do I word this?? I guess I am saying your`e an idiot.
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but... seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.
Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL
Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.