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You know you`ve won the argument when the other person responds with "Whatever..."
“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Just saw the book "Marriage for Dummies." ... Shouldn`t there be an "is" in there somewhere?
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
Some days the problem is I care too much… Today was not one of those days…
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"