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My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
The guy that discovered milk...What was he doing to that cow?
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
Just when I think my confidence couldn`t be shakier, some shitty website tells me I have a "Weak Password"
I hope that man who was walking in memphis found out the way he really felt
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape