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It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
I tried being modest once, as expected I was amazing at it.
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
Today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest.
My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly