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I think before we vote we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what`s REALLY on their minds.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
Iām tired of chasing my dreams, I`m just going to ask them where their going and meet them there later.
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
The only clubs Iām into are sandwiches.
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.