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Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
Change is hard. Seriously have you ever tried to bite a nickel?
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
I`d like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
What makes fancy green beans fancy?
I had your cake and ate it too.
Never be mean to nerds. You never know, one day you might be working for them!
Nothing good ever came from drinking things that are on fire.
Wow, it`s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn`t a glare on my screen.