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To be truthful from deep down ... I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
Who named the walkie talkie and why isn`t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
I don`t post a lot of personal statuses - but when I do it`s all about you ..
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
My wife treats me like a God…She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!