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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
It is days like today that I am glad that we all don`t live in a Yellow Submarine. Well at least not in the same one.
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
Etc... A word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
If a lesbian c*ckblocks another lesbian, is that considered a beaver dam?
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.