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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
“Was that lightning?” “No no…. they’re taking pictures for Google Earth..”
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
It´s Friday!! yea! Oh sorry, I was just practicing.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
I`ll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.