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Can`t dance? Spell your name....in the air...with your butt. BOOM! Next problem...
I was going to write something profound and memorable here, but I can`t remember what it was.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you`re happy now!!!
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.