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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘Awake’
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
Things I`m confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?