Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I am the reason why Waldo is hiding.
How do I tell my boss I don`t want to do work anymore but still want money.
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn`t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
My life is a very complicated drinking game
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
Since joining Facebook, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"