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Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
There are people in life you could NEVER get tired of hitting with a shovel!!!
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
I love Christmas presents wrapped in bubble wrap... it`s like two gifts in one!!
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"