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Now that football season is here, if anyone`s favorite team loses, they can just blame it on Trump.
You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!
FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom tee shirts will NOT fool your teenager.
Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
We have so much in common. You want to travel and I want you to go.
Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.
Don`t do it in the Garden, they say love is blind but ur neighbor ain`t.
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
Irony: Asking God to help you on a science exam.
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
i forgot how to put a status ... can anyone help me ?
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
No officer I wasn’t texting, that’s dangerous. I was checking my email.
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.