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Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto.. and the stupid machine didn´t pick any of them
It`s Friday! High-five some sh!t!
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I give myself the best presents.
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
Whoever said "Lets do that" in the meeting for the pop-tarts without frosting, should be fired
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
Why can`t everyday be football Sunday?
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
A good way to break up with a girl gently, is to curtsy when you`re meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!
I wouldn`t do much for a Klondike Bar; I would however get naked for beer.