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If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Once I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
Yeah, you go ahead and climb that mountain "because it`s there", I am going to eat this Pizza "because it`s here"................................
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish.
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
You`ll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
Every pair of panties can be a thong if your a$$ is big enough.
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.