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I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
I enjoy long walks away from responsibility.
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
My pet unicorn told me that I was being delusional again. :/
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
So long pants! See you Monday!
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
I hope Iām the last guy on earth ā I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
The Internet: where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head.
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
Never underestimate the power of cleavage.