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Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.
I´ll never be old enough to know better.
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
No heel is too high when pointed up at the ceiling.
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.