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I wasn`t even going for broke. But I got it!
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
I`m growing a mullet to test our friendship.
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.