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Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
Go to O`Reilly Auto Parts website and type, `121G` in the search bar.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
About to stick a pin in your voodoo doll.... Brace yourself.
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
Don`t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
Guys, if she says she`s crazy, she`s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but Iām the only one that matters.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"