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The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
"I don`t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others` lives sounds fun!" - How I got out of jury duty
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
It`s a shame that stupidity can`t be converted into a usable energy source.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
Don`t know what to get your husband for Christmas? Whatever you give him, give it to him naked. Problem solved
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
was going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn`t care
I`m having an out of money experience.
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!