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Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
This is a private status. Please don`t tell anyone about it.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.