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Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
Never say "piece of cake!" to me. Unless there is, indeed, a piece of cake involved.
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
What Flickering Lights Mean: 1% Electrical problems 99% demons and sh!t.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.