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If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
I want to grow my own food but no one makes pizza seeds.
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care..
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
If you`re buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I`m sorry to tell you it`s not working
I`d stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.
Dear small line of dirt that wont go in the dustpan… Screw you.