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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
I`ve seen more pins in the last few days then stone cold steve austin on groundhog day..
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
My love for you is beyond words so don’t expect a Valentine’s Day card from me.
Girls just wanna have funds.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug