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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
I`m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
The best things in life require no pants.
Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Facebook keeps telling me people are following me. But, every time I look behide me there`s nobody there? Why does facebook keep lying to me?