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What if Egyptians actually had a written language, then started using emojis, and that’s all that’s left?
My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
I`m lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
I`ve decided to take some time off Facebook so I can focus on work and, ok, I`m back
Just got back from a job fair. Very disappointed. They didn`t have one damn ride.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
Its so cold outside I might even post about it on Facebook
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar..... No strings attached