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Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
No way the guy from Operation is insured for any of those ridiculous medical procedures.
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
Why do the 5 seconds I have to wait before I can "skip ad" last 30 seconds?
If my house is clean, it means that Facebook is not working.
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.