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I`ll take "who the f*ck would know that" for $600, Alex.
Chili for breakfast. Cause I hate my Co-workers.
It’s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
These peopele at the gym are looking at me like they expect me to share my donuts ... SMH
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.