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"Haha" - me when I don`t understand the reference
Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.