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At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
I don’t have nightmares... I create them for others ;-)
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.