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I`m ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket .. I´d miss you alot and think of you often.
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
Sometimes I just bang my head on the keyboard and hope words form.