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Have you ever tried blind-folded archery? You don`t know what you`re missing.
"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It`s not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
Just remember, If we get caught you`re deaf and I don`t speak English.
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it`s ok to bite an opponent.
Yawning is the body`s way of saying `10% Battery Remaining`.