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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??
I`m a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you`re responsible for this."
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
Don`t hate me because I`m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.