Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
I`m selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.
Wish I turned into a wolf every month instead of getting my period
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you`ve thought up a good excuse.
How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.