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People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
For those of you who know nothing about pleasing a woman... the G spot is located at the end of the word "shopping".....js
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Rob Stalker for congressman........Stalker....a name you can trust.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.