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If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
Some of my ideas are about as profitable as selling YOLO T-Shirts at a Reincarnation seminar
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Every time I see a safety warning on a product I can`t help think to myself how natural selection has failed us once again...
Is beer cheaper off the kids menu
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
If I randomly burst out in laughter, it`s usually `cause I just told myself a joke I`d never heard before :)
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?