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While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald`s stops serving breakfast.
I`m thankful for many things, but mostly that there were no camera phones when I was in high school.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
I`m lost, no wait..... Yep, lost for sure
It’s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.
Starbucks isn`t really that expensive compared to how much Victoria`s Secret charges per cup.
I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.