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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
WHEW! I just had a near-work experience.
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.