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Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you`ve built in your head?
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
I wish my GPA looked like the gas prices right now...
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.
I love my friends unconditionally.* *Certain terms and conditions may apply. May not be available on all days. Coverage not available in all locations.Offer good for 30 days.Requires two-year minimum agreement. Fees applied for activation and early termination.
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.