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Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
Valentines day
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
Remember when the world ended last year?
wishes life would hand me lemons especially today.. that way I`d have something to throw at the people that are pissing me off
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
It is a sad day when you go to all the trouble of getting a Frontal Lobotomy and no one notices.....................
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it`s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!