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You call the shots. I`ll drink them.
Do you know what would really be fun? ... No really.. If you know, tell me.. I`m bored to death.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
That awkward moment when you take a bath in the middle of the day and don`t know whether to wear normal clothes or pajamas.
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.