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My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
Nothing screams "I don`t care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.