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They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
Life is Hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Whenever I see a happy couple.... smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love..... I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.