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Late to bed and early to rise, makes me really tired and pissed off.
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
Since my ear surgery I haven`t heard from my doctor. Not sure if that`s a good thing or not.
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
I`m a big advocate of the `You started it` method of defense in an argument.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I’m really disappointed with Bill Gates.
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…