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The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
The most common crossfit injury is a black eye from talking about it too much.
Perhaps Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
Happy 4th of July ! ... It`s a holiday. You know what that means... Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.
Odd Fact: The names of characters in Inception are: Dom, Robert, Eames, Arthur, Mal and Saito. Note the first letters = DREAMS.
I`ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I`m actually talking to someone.