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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
A married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
It`s not really stalking if you don`t catch me doing it.
I`m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
To-Do List : Nothing[?]
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....