Daily Silly Status

Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.

Yes I`m still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"

9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.

Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.

When I`m bored, I dress up as Waldo, walk up to strangers (in a crowded airport), and say "psssst... if ANYBODY asks......YOU ain`t seen me... capiche?"

I`m pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.

This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.

Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly

The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.

If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.

This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.

Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....

I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.