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I don’t have an attitude problem… You have a problem with my attitude… That’s your problem, not mine.
If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
Don`t bother trying to figure me out...not even the little voices in my head understand me...it`s pointless.
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!