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I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
Women say they love a man in uniform but when i go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform none of them will talk to me....I`m confused
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
As a child, my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
You are here: X
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
I was just watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there`s already been a wrist injury.. No worries, I should be okay in a couple of days..
I wonder if the girls on "16 and pregnant," will come back on "32 and a Grandma."
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?