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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
I am not acting childish and you`re just a big doody-head.
I didn’t give you the finger. You earned it.
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
Here`s a crazy concept, maybe I`m not in a bad mood, angry, or a bitch. Maybe I said it because it`s true and I meant it. Marinate on that.
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
The greatest fear is NOT fear itself. It’s dropping your phone in a port-a-potty!
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
I`m at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.