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I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
¦It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
Sweetie, if your gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty!
The way I figure it, whatever doesn’t kill me has lost it’s chance.
Do you know what’d look good on you? Me
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I`m gonna try to figure out why I`m so drunk.
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
Today is that day where anything you read online could be totally made up. Oh, wait, that`s every day.
If you try to pronounce “lmao” you sound like a french cat.
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.
I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?