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Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
I try to avoid nice people, so they can stay that way.
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
If you like someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.