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The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!
My Dr said I am a sex addict. I ask him how he knew and he said you are a man.
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.
Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.