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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
The realization you`ve spoken too loudly when you exclaimed: " My Salad had NUTS!"
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters on poles.
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
Mosquito landed on my friend`s face; easiest decision of my life.
My kids keep bugging me about dinner, even after I keep telling them I already ate.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
"2 weeks with my baby xoxoxo" lol,calm down romeo&juliet.
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory??
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don`t know who to root for.