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Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinkyhead that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
I used to care ... but I take a pill for that now.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
ok ladies quick question?,say a guy wanted to wear a thong does he tuck shirt in or out? Asking for a friend.
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine.
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
I thinking about how im disgusted by holding a gas pump but yet, I have no problem drinking my beer from a cup that ten other people drank out of, and a backwash covered ping pong ball was just thrown into it after hitting a dirty a$$ garage floor??
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?