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That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
I can`t stand people who blame everyone else for their problems....I`d be successful and happy by now if it wasn`t for them!!!!
I either get what I want or I change my mind!
New documentary movie about white trash ... I only saw the trailer...
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
I`m all for change as long as it doesn`t directly affect my routine.
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
Be nice to me ... I may be hot one day.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...