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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
You are wasting your time reading this status.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" - 17th century sext
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption "it`s cold" could you tell me more about that
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
if your looking for love sorry to disappoint you im already in a relationship with fun and freedom. :-)
A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.
Don`t let anyone tell you what you can`t accomplish. That`s what self-doubt is for.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.