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I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
Let me drink about it and get back to you.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
Is it wrong to use cheat codes for Wii Fit.
So I harvested my tomato today, it`s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I`m high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I`m stuck in a tree.
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
This century is already 15% over.
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out