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I noticed the toilet roll incorrectly installed in your selfie.
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
I´m not lazy, I´m just highly motivated not to do anything.
I`ve learned more from one season of "Shark tank", than I ever learned in four years of buisness school.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
I`m reaching the point where I really hope it`s not possible to be annoyed to death.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.
Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.