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I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
I saw that! - Karma
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I bought a huge plastic Christmas tree today! the shop assistant asked me if I was going to put it up myself? I told him "Don`t be stupid, i`m gonna put it in the lounge room"
We all have faults. It`s just that mine are better than yours.
I think I have an urge to get up and clean the house. Wait...no, false alarm.
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch