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When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."
I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
No pornhub I do not want to share this video with my friends & family on Facebook
Don`t do drugs. Become a Pop star and they give `em to you FOR FREE!
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
You`re the one who wore a red and yellow scarf to class. So don`t look at me weird for shouting "10 points for gryffindor" when you answer questions cause I know you wanted this. -Bfanch
More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my goals for the day.
Sometimes I have to go outside to get signal on my phone for Facebook so yes, you could describe me as "outdoorsy."
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"