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Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
Thank you for informing me that you have a stick figure family of 6 and a dog. Your minivan had me under the impression that you were wild and single.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
Every shape I had to learn above octagon was just a total fu*king waste of time.
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
?"May contain nudity".. either it does or it doesn`t.. quit waistin` my time.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.