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At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
I bet if the movie "mirrors" releases part 3, the 1st victim will die while trying to take a selfie
DO NOT LIKE THIS… Unless you’re a sexy beast.
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.
You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.