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I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts.
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
"Iyam A. Wii Todd" <-- Bet you can say that name out loud, in a crowded place, and really fast!
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?