Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
The part of “no” that I don’t understand is the part where I don’t get what I want.
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!