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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
I just found out cock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don`t see how it`s any of your business.
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
Imagine if trees gave off WiFi signals, We would be planting so many trees. And we`d probably save the planet too! Too bad they only produce the oxygen we breath :/
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.