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Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
The awkward moment when you type HO instead of HI.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.