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Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
The only part I like about doing laundry is saying I`ve got a big load
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I like it here because not only do I get to air out my dirty laundry, I get to see yours too.
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I`m Awesome. Then WE DANCE.
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”