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I am currently unsupervised ... I know, it freaks me out too. But the possibilities are endless!
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
Technically, Humpty Dumpty died a crack head
My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco for one more sec
The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.