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I`m "oh my god, gag me with a spoon" years old.
If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn`t be allowed to leave Wal Mart.