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I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
Men use love to get sex...women use sex to get love...I use coupons to get pizza!
The best things in life require no pants.
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
I`ll be drinking tell I see Leprechauns tonight.
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
B!tches be trippin ... OK, maybe I pushed one.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked ... So did all the other people at the post office.
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."