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Wine: How classy people get trashed.
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
"Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won`t.
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
Roses are Red Violets are Blue, If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
In fact, yes, l can multitask. I can screw up several things at once.
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.