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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
I have over 500 facebook friends, and i want to say that i love you all...except for number 376 ..you`re a real a@@hole!!
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
If u think I talk to much, just let me know. We can talk about it!
Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep