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So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it`s time to eat again.
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
I don`t eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I`ll have to $hit more at work.
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
Every day can be palm Sunday if you`re a single guy
I`m such a thrill seeker, when I see a ‘Caution, Wet Floor’ sign, I walk faster...
Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.
Who needs Halloween decorations when I can just put up my selfies?
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
My wife treats me like a God…She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.