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I sometimes goto Starbucks for coffee and tell them my name is Bueller ... Then leave before my coffe is ready
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I`m glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."
If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
"I can`t wait to have you inside me," I whispered softly to my dinner.