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If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
Deja poo. The feeling that you`ve heard this sh!t before.
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone
Girls are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are to far away
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
why would anyone want a baby? It`s just another thing you have to clean
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
Single Awareness Day ..... it`s a S.A.D. day