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You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
Hi, im _____ but you could call me sexy.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
My wife`s credit cards were stolen last week. I haven`t reported it yet though...because so far, they are spending less than she was.
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!