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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts...it would be very creepy.
It`s just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
How can there be more horses asses than there are horses?
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.