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I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children, don’t know very much about children.
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it`s ok to bite an opponent.
I just want you to be happy. And naked.
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.