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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
Didja ever get to know someone so well, that you wish you didn`t know them at all????
My friend named her female dog Karma... Karmas a bitch.
If you`ve never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I don`t know what I would do without you, but I bet it`s awesome.
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
The problem with working from home is the absence of sexual harassment.
Social networking sites is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.