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Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
I prefer to use the bathroom naked w/ the door wide open. Sorry if this interferes with your idea of a "safe & fun work environment"
u smile i smile u laugh i laugh u cry i`ll go get a bat and say who`s gonna get it
You tell me I`m crazy, the voices tell me I`m not. 4 against 1, so........
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
I`m the type of person who will throw away the manual and ponder for 3 hours "where the hell do I start"
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.