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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
I got BOMBED last night and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I`m getting 4 million dollars back this year!
The problem with diets is pizza.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
Some people think I`m quiet, others wish I was.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys "partying"
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.