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I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That`s 15 minutes, right? I`m not reading too much into it?
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
WEB MD should have a simple answer like “Calm down-you probably just ate too many cookies!”
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
Velcro, what a rip-off!
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
99.9% of lol’s are lies.
Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
Facebook is great, but I still miss the good old days of writing down my random thoughts and sliding them into stranger`s pockets.