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You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
Guys, Everyone. Listen. I`m going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
You don`t know broke until you`ve rinsed off a paper plate.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.