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Never make an arm wrestle bet with a guy who has been single for longer than 6 months.
With all the technology these days, you`d think they would come up with an Online Gym where losing weight would be a click away
a friend will calm you down when you`re angry a best friend will run beside you with a baseball bat shouting, "somebody`s gonna get it!"
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
Dwjxdjdhjfrjfjhrha! Sorry--you will get a more coherent status update AFTER I`ve had my coffee!
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
I`d love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
So... Where does one obtain minions?
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.