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May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
You laugh because I´m different. I laugh cause I just farted!
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
I hope this coffee gives me the energy to look busy all day.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.