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I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn`t even eat them.
Coffee: fueling you for a job you can`t stand to support a life you never wanted. Tastes good though...
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
In life you will meet all sorts of people, happy, moody, shy, loud, weird, and then there`s me So deal with it mmuhaaaaaaaahaaahaaaa that`s right !
You ever notice “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” is the same letter but with a different angle.