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I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
A lot of people are very competitive when playing stupid.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
Women have closets full of `I have nothing to wear.`
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.
How Big is Infinity?