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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Tonight`s good mood is sponsored by ... Beer!!
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
Guy advice #221: Starting a load of laundry in the washing machine and then starting a load in the dryer counts as `2 loads` - just sayin`!
The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.
I was always a believer in evolution....then I spent an hour at Walmart and now I`m not so sure
Went to Walmart yesterday and bought me a new toilet brush, I think I am gonna go back to using paper, it is much more gentle on the netherlands........