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At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
There are times, when I actually am hungry like the wolf. But thanks to Duran Duran I can`t tell anyone without sound like a complete f*cking idiot
Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
I want to put a bib on a baby that says "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." lol
If history repeats itself then I am SO getting a dinosaur.
I AM doing something with my life. It’s called screwing around.
What`s the hold up on making extremely heavy shoes for toddlers so they can`t run around so much?
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes