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Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
Sandals or shoes? I have adorable toes. All 12
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
Chili for breakfast. Cause I hate my Co-workers.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
I liked you better before we met.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I can`t relate to people who "forget to eat"
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling