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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
My next relationship will be with someone who thinks "Wine" is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what`s for dinner.
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
Walmart killed the traveling circus.
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
The best thing about smartphones is that you don`t have to refold maps anymore.
Iām at the age where all my posts start with the phrase āIām at the age where.ā
Revenge is best served to someone`s toothbrush.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.